I have experienced a void all my life. A void so deep that it seemed unstoppable. Money, success, travel, business, parties, belongings, beautiful cars and beautiful women. I’ve had it all and tried it. It did not fill the emptiness. Of course I have known moments of happiness and fulfillment, only the emptiness was never completely absent. She always lurked somewhere in a corner, waiting for the moment to remind me loudly of her presence.
The only time that the emptiness was not present, completely gone, was when I met her. It was two years after my divorce of my 3rd wife somewhere around Christmas, in the supermarket. I stood nailed to the ground. In her eyes I thought I saw a flash of recognition. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of love that was unknown to me until then and I felt intensely alive, I can not describe it any differently. I dropped my basket. Some people were shocked by the sound, but we kept staring at each other.
“I love you.”
It just flew out of my mouth. But I meant it. I meant it more than I have ever meant it. Just as her lips broke, a friend hooked her arm through hers and took over.
“Screw you! Dirty creep! Old bastard! ”
“Is there a problem?” The supermarket employee felt that he had to intervene.
“No problem. Let’s go.”
And there she went. The store employee looked at me. I muttered a sorry, left my groceries and hurried out of the supermarket. I was so upside down from this meeting. I lay awake for weeks. I could not place it and she was also at least forty years younger than me.
It was almost stronger than I am, as if I knew her. I wanted to be with her so badly.
I talked about it with friends. They said that I have a problem with being alone. That I always have to hunt something. That I want the impossible. That she has way too young for me. I talked about it with a psychologist. Not only about this, but also about my failed marriages and how I always had the feeling of missing something. An ever-present emptiness. The psychologist explained to me that I was projecting child desires. The malnourished wounded child in me was still looking for mother love. In addition, according to him, I was afraid of death and I want to experience my youth again through her youthfulness.
I could not quite agree with it, even though the relationship between me and my mother was not so good – and then I express myself weakly. Even after the sessions I did not experience any significant changes and even though I had some perspectives that I might otherwise would not have had, I still felt that it was something else, I did not know. A friend recommended a regression therapist. That’s how I found out.
Let me first say that I did not have anything to do with that whole regression. I also did not know what to expect. But I understand now.
The feeling, the encounter in the supermarket became the entrance. I discovered several lives that I have spent with her in different forms.
We were brothers in a war, we helped each other, cared for each other, preserved food for each other,
A medieval life in which we were friends. Both of high descent, young married in a loveless connection. We helped each other through it. Through the humiliations, the undergoing of community, the life as a woman. After I died, I waited for her. She died about a year earthly time after me but for me it was a moment.
But in most lives we were lovers.
She usually as a woman and I as a man. The life that struck me the most was a simple life in a cold area somewhere in Russia. We kept ourselves busy with basic things. Eating, sleeping, warmth. We did not have children in that life, but we were such a unity, so attuned and grateful for each other. A simple life with an enchanting love.
In a life between lives session I discovered that she is my primary soulmate. We chose this life to do it differently. She is also a lot younger than me on purpose. Standing on tour own two feet and remaining connected with love, with home, with soul. I think she is better at that than I am. This was a joint decision on soul level and I draw love and warmth from the lives we shared together. The journey ‘home’ and my soul group has also brought a lot of peace. The emptiness is now filled up with the contact with my own soul.
I still think it’s a strange and elusive thing. I still do not have a relationship. I am learning to have fun with myself now.
The sessions have brought me acceptance, insight and understanding even though I would not mind sharing this life together too.
* This blog is based on the experiences of X, is made narrative and of course placed with permission.
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